So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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