My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize