Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
