she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
