My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
