So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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