I'm lost and stupid without you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
