Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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