1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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