i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
