fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
