Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
