You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
