She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
