I think my fart just growled at me.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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