I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
