You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
