I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
