PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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