she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
