After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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