Someone shit on the floor
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
