I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
