Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You ruined the universe
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
