Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
God, I missed his penis.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
