You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
