I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
