the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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