That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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