She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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