woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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