fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
