She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
