I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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