After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
