I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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