he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
