you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
