why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
