It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
