I think my vagina is haunted
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
