I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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