My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
