At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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