Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
