I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
