Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
