my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize