I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
