: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
