you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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