I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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