Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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