mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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