i would punch a child for taco bell
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
