everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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