captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
