Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
