Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
