hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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