There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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